Wednesday, 4 August 2010
So bad its good?
Two teenage lovers swim out off the Welsh coast, frolicking and laughing they have not a care in the world until suddenly from under the water, giant pincers grab them and pull them under. It was at this point when I realised that I was reading the book equivalent of a B movie.
OK so looking at the title of the book it was kinda obvious what kind of a read I was going to get, and I wasn't disappointed in that sense.
After the two teenagers go missing, the missing boy's uncle Cliff Davenport (a cheesy name if I've ever heard one) turns up in order to solve the mystery of his nephews disappearance. This Cliff character turns out to be quite a talented man to almost superhuman proportions. For a start he's around 35 years old and a Professor, although the fact that hes a professor has no bearing at all on the storyline at any point. So why mention hes a professor at all? Why try to get the reader to believe that Cliff really is a professor at 35 and an uncle to a young man in his late teens/early twenties. ESPECIALLY when at one point the young man before being eaten by a giant crab refers to his uncle as 'Dear old uncle Cliff' – hes 35!
Anyway back to Cliff's attributes. When the army is drafted in to deal with the problem of hoards of giant crabs attacking the welsh coast, who do they get to coordinate and come up with a plan? Why of course Cliff. When they need someone experienced to dive off points along the welsh coast looking for the giant crabs lair who they gonna call? Why its Cliff again. When a bomb needs to be planted to order to try and blow up the giant crabs who do they call in despite the fact they happen to have the whole Army on hand? Why in comes Cliff, of course (!)
Despite being a bomb disposal, diving expert professor Cliff also still manages to find the time to participate in two of the most god awful sex scenes I have ever read.
'Their lips met again, tongues probing and entwining. Both of them were experiencing the awakening of something which had laid dormant in them for so long. Rapidly they were getting out of control. Nothing else mattered . . . not even the giant crabs.'
Now what of the giant crabs? Well Cliff first estimates they are the size of 'sheep' but later when he actually sees them he admits that he was wrong and makes a more scientific observation 'Big as sheep!' Cliff Davenport laughed hysterically. 'They're as big as bloody cows'.
The crabs themselves do (believe it or not) have a 'leader' which is a lot bigger than the others and who Cliff names 'king crab'. Cliff also thinks that king crab has 'discovered a taste for human flesh' and seems to credit King crab with far more intelligence than perhaps he deserves.
'Of all tides to choose, a sea mist has to descend upon us now!' 'That's what King Crab was waiting for,' the professor commented. 'He's the most cunning enemy the world has ever met. And he doesn't intend to confine himself to the Welsh coast alone. I'd stake my bank balance on that.'
The book which is mercifully short, is also littered with loads of exclamations marks. A quick glance at the pages and I can count at least three on each page. On two separate occasions I even counted four within a sentence! But what is even more astonishing is that this book spawned four sequels and a prequel!
Would I recommend this? Well I won't lie, this book had me laughing out loud on several occasions so if you want the 'so bad its good' experience then go right ahead. But I warn you, its bad.
I will leave you now with my favorite quote which is spoken by Cliff after he has just participated in one of those terrible sex scenes I mentioned earlier.
'I'm more than glad I let you come with me tonight,' he whispered as he zipped himself up again. 'I'm afraid, though, that we must still keep an eye open for those crabs!'
Posted by Jess